The Terrible Truth About Bookends

At this point in my life, I’m over accumulating shit I don’t love. I’m not trying to buy into some trend that’s going to nauseate me in a month. (I’m looking at you, chevron pattern.) I only want things that speak to me. I thought this would be easy in an age where a google search for “vegan parsnip recipes” yields 814K results in, as google weirdly brags, .59 seconds. (“What is a parsnip” generates 4.9 million results in a cool .64 seconds.) You’re going to want to take a seat while I illustrate how wrong I was.

About two years ago, I decided that I’d like some bookends. I was accustomed to filling one shelf before moving onto the next, letting the books prop each other up, but had noticed that books smushed and stacked together are aesthetically pleasing only in stuffy, dull-toned movies. My only prior experience with bookends was of the thin, L-shaped silver variety you might find in an elementary school library. I was excited to see what the past 30 years had come up with. Brace ourself for what I found.

JACKS

Y’all know Jacks. If you were born prior to 1960, they were basically your only game other than throwing rocks at each other. Born 1960-1980, you probably played more with the glow in the dark plastic Chucky Cheese variety than the classic metal jacks. 1980 and on, you have no idea what I’m talking about but you have a son named Jax, Jackson, or Jaxson. In any case, this bookend is better suited for home stagers than ultimate consumers or their books.

AGATE

I’m as into crystals as the next guy. I have half a dozen in my bra right now. But who decided that sliced agate was our best choice for a bookend? What was charming in the mall nature store in 1995 is now just tired and old–and not in a cool, ancient way.

MEN PUSHING

Omg you know what would be so cute? If someone made bookends that looked like tiny men pushing the books together! You know what would be even cuter?! If a million someones made them a million times for about a million years. Sidenote: the bookends in this picture retail for $225.

BIRDS

When the fuck are we going to be over birds?! And since when do birds care about books? And why does a questionable attractive set of vintage peacock bookends cost so much?

HALF ON ONE SIDE HALF ON THE OTHER

You know how it was like super cute for a few weeks in 1983 to exaggerate the length of dachshunds with cartoon sweaters? This is like that, only still, and with bookends. This is like a dad joke under the influence of mom.

If you wondering why I spent so much time and energy and potentially money on something that’s basically just a rock, please know that I wondered that too. For months I supported books with rocks only to watch them wilt over inefficient curves or almost imperceptibly push them away. Shortly after renewing my search, I found these.