- figured out how to use the espresso machine I got Amir for his birthday.
- proved that I’m right and Amir is wrong about how sunscreen works.
- let Ella style me again. Today I wore lots of jewelry but no pants.
- made love to my bathroom.
I made SO much love to my bathroom, you guys. I bought faucets and mirrors and researched lighting fixtures. The High Painter popped in and suggested that pre-installation of these things is the ideal time to paint, so I got to work making shit blue.
Painting the kids’ bathroom (still not done, btw) had me tracking droplets and smears of paint through the house for a week. Just for funsies, I decided to make some changes with the master bath. Here’s what I tried:
- using a dropcloth
- paying attention to what I touch and step in
- washing a large dash of wet paint from my body when I notice it
- looking at the bottoms of my feet before I leave the room
Taking these extra measures helped, especially when I stepped off of my stool and into the paint bucket. No matter. I just used the roller on the drop cloth!
Even though my P.I.M.P.* and I were taking the day off, we agreed to fill one emergency birthday order. When my P.I.M.P. got to the store, she saw this:
Apparently, at 5:01am (we have cameras, you fuck) someone through a cinderblock into the front door of one of my stores. This prompted a trip down memory lane.
August 16, 2009 (my birthday): A person jimmies the lock on the furnace room door of one of my stores, crawls through an air vent, finds a weak spot in my wall, and busts through it with a stolen sledgehammer. He leaves with $200,000 of my merchandise and is caught when his face, appearing into the security cameras, appears on Crime Stoppers. He gets off with time served and goes on to commit a series of bank robberies in Texas.
2011ish: Someone throws a rock through my store’s front window
2015 or something: Someone throws a rock through a different store’s front window
June 2017: I’m a single mom home with my two and four year old kids when a man in need of psychiatric help tries to kick down my front door, throws patio furniture through my windows, busts through my back gate, and threatens my children while demanding the keys to my car. He sits in jail for ten months while attorneys on both sides pass the bill after which he’s released with time served.
Here’s what the kids and I did that day:
I’m tired of this shit.
Here’s what we’re leaving behind the new vanity and mirror:
*Partner In Motherfucking Pleasure
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