This morning I raised a finger and declared today a failure if I don’t manage to finally order cabinet knobs. Then I started googling images of Robert Plant. Did I google Robert Plant because I am a huge Plant fan? (Hahahaha. Plant fan.) No. I used to be able to play Stairway to Heaven on the piano and that was pretty cool but I know very little about the man and, honestly, couldn’t name anyone else in Led Zeppelin. What I do know is that I happened upon a picture of him from the 70s the other day and holy shit.
I would like to have sex with that Robert Plant. I would not as much like to have sex with this Robert Plant.*
Why was I thinking of this today? Because this morning this happened:
Then my friend told me that Keith Richards still chain smokes and calls people cats and he got sexier. That’s when it dawned on me that sexiness in the aged could be partly, even mostly, attributed to how much you like the person which is maybe the most disappointingly obvious high revelation I’ve ever had.
So I smoked some more and decided to do a Sexiness in the Aged character study.
The first thing I did was pull up images of random 70 year old men. I was attracted to not-a -one of them, maybe because most of them were either mugshots or Viagra commercial actors. Even the buff ones didn’t excite me because their faces don’t match their bodies. Finally one caught my eye. Then I realized it was Richard Gere.
This led to my decision to study three celebrities. First, Samuel L. Jackson.
Next, Natasha Lyonne.
Then I remembered that I was supposed to be studying the aged (and Nastasha is six months younger than I am) and that I’d forgotten the point of the character study. I decided to conclude with this: Two people of different genders and races with a thirty year age difference get hotter as they age.
But THEN. I remembered THIS.
Steven Tyler definitely got more hot and then got less hot. Come to think of it, so did Sean Connery and Jack Nicholson and mayyyyyybe George Clooney. Sissy Spacek is debatable. I want to say she might start getting less hot but she’s already fucking 70 and it hasn’t happened yet.
So there you have it. People are hotter at different ages and it sort of has to do with how much you like them. I feel like I just Stoner leveled up.
If you’re worried that I’ve been slacking on my Sex Without Having Sex research, don’t be. I took a break from that today for very important reasons. We will get back to it, don’t you worry.
*I did not mean that I wouldn’t have sex with old Robert Plant, just that I’d be less stoked on it.
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