Married with Children debuted when I was nine years old but new episodes ran through my high school graduation. I wasn’t allowed to watch it but I did, and my dad (who admires Ed O’Neill’s characters in a sort of bro-crush way) liked to compare me to Kelly. I don’t think that he thought I was slutty, per say, but he definitely called me “boy crazy” and I guess I was. (He also compared me to Mallory Keaton which he probably felt was more favorable but I didn’t. I loved Kelly Bundy.)
Phase 2: The Christina Applegate I Wanted to Be:
Two things stand out in my mind about losing my virginity. One was when my boyfriend, who’d had sex with one person one time before me, accused me of “humping too hard.” The other was staring at his Christina Applegate poster on his wall while we did it. She was leaning over a sports car, wearing Daisy Dukes. I don’t remember how I felt about her role in the loss of my virginity, whether I felt jealous, aroused, curious, or insulted. I think I was probably just experiencing sex while observing it and it was interesting to me.
Phase 3: The Christina Applegate I Would Like to Have Sex With:
Christina Applegate is nearing 50. She was transparent about her breast cancer diagnosis and bravely chose a preventative double mastectomy. Her career has steadily evolved and her stamina hasn’t waned. Her acceptance of aging seems to have actually combatted it. She’s perfect on Dead to Me as is Linda Cardellini.
Coming tomorrow: My Relatively Brief but Equally Complicated Relationship with Linda Cardellini
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